The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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