I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
