I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
