I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
