Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
