i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
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