i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
