His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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