Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
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Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
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So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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