if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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