I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
