if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
