just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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