I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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