There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
