Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
