YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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