Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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