we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
