Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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