No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
