They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I think I just sharted jello shots
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