Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
