He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
