I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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