i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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