when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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