Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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