Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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