Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
