Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
