he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
