god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
