just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
