He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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