mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
