I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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