I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just gift wrapped bread.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
