my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
