it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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