Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
