There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
