I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
