; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
