i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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