How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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