For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
