He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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