Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
