If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
