why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
