and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
