you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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