my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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