Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
