Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
